I'm excited to share this guest post from a BW reader who's working as a Peace Corps volunteer. I hope you enjoy her insights as much as I did! For reasons that this piece makes clear, she's chosen to remain anonymous.
Discovering the Lesbian Underground in Rural South America Peace Corps is a two-year commitment to do development work in impoverished countries. I am an Agricultural Peace Corps Volunteer (PCV) in South America. My site is a very rural, impoverished, and conservative village in a conservative country. I generally present myself as androgynous. Short hair, comfortable clothing, and a slim build make this easy. I didn’t tell my Peace Corps recruiter about my sexual orientation, but I scoured the internet trying to find information on queer life in the small, culturally isolated country to which I was assigned (and on the experiences of queer PCVs worldwide). To my dismay, I found little information. The Peace Corps welcomes queer PCVs, but warns that in many countries they will have to stay closeted—sometimes to work smoothly with host country counterparts, but frequently for the safety of the PVC. In my village, miles away from paved roads, surrounded by banana and pineapple crops, I am very deeply in the closet. I still dress androgynously, but I have not, and likely will not, tell anyone in my community the direction in which my romantic interests generally lie – the señoras trying to match me up with their sons don’t know how much of an uphill battle they face. Due to my unfeminine hair and clothing, I also receive far fewer cat calls and less sexual harassment than other female volunteers. After working with men in the community to rebuild a wall of my house, someone joked that a "man" would be moving in: me. This comment from a community member made me anxious, and led me to worry about every interaction—to an unhealthy extent. Indeed, my self-censorship has been one of the most stressful parts of being here. I am fearful that they will “guess,” but I actually haven’t altered much. I don't change my appearance or flirt with men, though I certainly don’t flirt with women in my site either. My second year, I’ve loosened up because I know the people in the village, and they know me. For example, when señoras would ask me if I had a boyfriend I used to say, “not right now,” but now I say, “I don’t need a boyfriend.” It’s a small, but significant, difference. One of my queer volunteer friends says that this is a country of “open secrets:” Secrets everyone knows, but tacitly agrees not to talk about. It makes me wonder, am I living an open secret too? Is it possible everyone in my site knows and are electing to keep quiet? One of the biggest personal changes I have experienced here is the role my sexual identity plays in my sense of self. Like many people in their mid-twenties from accepting backgrounds, I never viewed my orientation as a big deal. However, here in rural South America, I needed to hide this part of myself for the first time in my life… so it has become more important. I am open with other volunteers and the Peace Corps support staff in-country, but I miss being in an active queer community. Once every month or two, I travel to the country’s capital to get mail and to socialize with other PCVs. If possible, we visit one of the few gay bars in the whole country. Unsurprisingly, it’s usually full of gay men. However, after a conversation with a posse of local gay men looking out for me, we got directions, scrawled on the back of a napkin, to a rumored lesbian bar. It was months before we found the place. When we finally did, we discovered that we had to get past the guards, ring the bell, and wait for someone to come unlock the door. They’re only open one night a week, but have information regarding human rights campaigns, queer film festivals, and Pride activities. Despite their limited hours, it was nice to know that such a locale existed. However, I still needed a queer community closer to where I live, and as luck would have it, I stumbled across one! There is a town an hour and a half away, and during my first few months, I traveled there frequently to buy supplies to build my house. A PCV there introduced me to a friend of hers (I’ll call her B), a female firefighter. This PCV told me that B was a lesbian and told B the same thing about me. A few months later, B invited me to a secret, underground drag show! Out here, in the middle of nowhere, there was a community! The event was invitation only, with the location announced a few hours ahead of time. Secrecy was a big priority. Drag queens from all over the country performed, and under a blanket of stars, the rest of us queers watched. It was great! But the most valuable part of the experience was finding out that there is a network, even out here in the rural countryside. However, it’s distressing that such a high level of secrecy is necessary. Now I find myself dating B’s ex (I guess lesbians are the same world over). This chapter is unfolding day by day…Our interactions are full of cultural misunderstandings and poorly translated endearments. (Also, how on earth does one discuss strap-ons in a country without toy shops?) She is closeted even to those in her family who would be accepting. I worry that I overestimate the level of acceptance around her, and thereby put her in danger. Her internalized homophobia and self-hatred is another challenge altogether. I am pleased to have been admitted into the secret lesbian underground of this country. I’ve never met any established lesbian couples, but supposedly several pairs live together, frequently raising children from their past relationships. One of the pairs was comparatively wealthy and lived somewhat more openly, and the other pairs just quietly lived together as “housemates.” I never heard of couples in the countryside, only in town. I also met people who had been part of the lesbian community but ended up marrying men. For some of them, marrying was one of the few avenues of independence they had. Outside of the capital, most people don’t leave their parents’ house till they get married. I can be an example of a happy, queer, woman within the underground lesbian community. Their eyes went wide when I mentioned that my mother once asked my (ex)girlfriend which of the states with legalized same-sex marriage we would be moving to. I’m not sure what blew their minds more, the fact that marriage was an option for us, or that my mother treated our relationship legitimately. I introduced terms like “family” and “gaydar,” and exposed the underground to television shows like The L Word and Modern Family. Seeing queer people on TV just like any other telanovela was a very significant, empowering experience, especially for my girlfriend. It’s been powerful for me as well: by seeing it from the outside, I truly appreciate the strength of the queer community in the US. Clearly I can only base this off of the lesbians I know, but but at least in this country, there seems to be less gender nonconformity than in the US or other South American countries. But maybe that’s because all the lesbians I know are from the countryside (the town is in the middle of nowhere. The only real “city” is the capital. Lesbians here either never find each other (sad but true), or find one other lesbian or gay man who introduces them to her or his friends (like what happened to me). Some of the most important work I’ve done my last few months in the site, has been introducing a few teenagers (males) who came out to me to the community in the town. Additionally, I introduced the community in town to the resources and clubs in the capital. My Peace Corps experience has changed me in many unexpected ways, including strengthening my identity as a queer person. But more importantly, it has highlighted something else to me, the fact that who I am is not just for me alone. I'm a member of a beautiful community, not just underground in a small country and not just causally out in my hometown: it’s a community that's everywhere, worldwide, where I'd most and least expect it. When I pack my bags, say my goodbyes, and leave this country, I'm taking that lesson with me. Many thanks to the guest poster for sharing her story. She also wanted me to pass along this link for LGBT Peace Corps Alumni. Do you have an experience worth sharing? I welcome guest post submissions; email me at butchwonders@yahoo.com for more information.
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Sometimes I get questions from readers in which the reader is essentially asking me if he or she is some kind of weird outlier. For example:
Due to the sheer, huge, incredible range of human interests and preference, whenever you're asking if some people X, or whether some people of type Y find people of type Z attractive, the answer is always the same: yes. In fact, we could make a mad lib of it: Do some [type of person, plural] find [adjective] [gender or sexual orientation] attractive? Yes, yes, yes. Some butches are only into other butches (BW raises hand). Some non-binary trans people only want to date femmes who wear leather. Some guys who identify as gay are attracted to masculine cis women. Whatever your preference, identity, interest, or sexual proclivity, I feel safe saying: you are not alone. Just because you haven't met anyone in your town who's like you doesn't mean that there aren't tons of them in the wider world. Heck, it doesn't even mean there isn't anyone in your town like you. Many people are scared to be out and proud about their preferences because they're afraid other people will laugh at them, or tell them they're weird. Well, I'm here to tell you that there's nothing "weird" about knowing what you like. There's nothing odd about having preferences that seem different from other people's (assuming those preferences are legal and don't hurt anyone, of course). And there's nothing wrong or strange about having your attractions change over time. After all, you didn't come out as queer to be like everyone else, did you? Why the heck would you want to start now? 'Tis a homosexual pastry! Coming Out Day is awesome for many reasons: 1. It reiterates the importance of visibility. 2. It is an excellent excuse for making and/or consuming rainbow cake. 3. It reminds straight people that their queer friends had to go through a (sometimes excruciating) process of explaining/announcing their sexual and romantic preferences. It also reminds queers that the coming out process, different as it is for each of us, ties us all together. 4. Right before the election, it underscores the civil rights issues at stake. 5. It is an occasion for poetry, tweets, and general tomfoolery. Recently, I challenged BW readers to encapsulate their coming out stories in one of three forms: (1) as a tweet; (2) as a haiku; (3) as a limerick. A bunch of you were up to it, and in honor of Coming Out Day, here are some of my favorites: TWEETS My sister was 59 when she came out. She beat me to it. I came out at 50. Mom: What's wrong? Me: Nothing. Mom: You're in love, aren't you?! With that girl from South Carolina! Me: Yes. Mom: I knew you were gay! I didn't just come out of the closet, I jumped out of the whole effin' house! HAIKU Everyone was great Forgot I hadn't told dad Shocked him in the car! Cue apocalypse! Coming out to my mother. False alarm, she's cool. Collegiate romance. We thought we were so sneaky, but everyone knows. Came out three times now gayboy, transwoman... tomboy enough, already! A snoop I call mom, Danced around the Internet-- Then learned he is she. Finally barking up the right tree of lovin'. In fact, now I purr. LIMERICKS (OK, some of these aren't *technically* limericks, but whatevs) The time to come out was past due. So I sent the IM to you... When I looked at my gaff, We both had a good laugh -- 'Stead of "bi," the message said "bu." We were standing there cooking breakfast, Nothing on but a smile and some skin Then OMG, my mom came walking in No place to run No place to hide had to stand there proudly, showing my rainbow pride. It's enough to demolish the brain How the Transmatriarchy inane Demand Bette and Tina Be the trans girl's Athena... When I only long to be Shane There once was a girl who was always laughing To cover the thoughts she was always having She couldn't make herself aware Even though her dad was a gay bear And being family wasn't nothing but a family thing For 32 years it was men that I liked Stubble and bicepts and d*ck got me psyched Then along came a girl put my head in a whirl And I thought, "holy sh*t, I've been dyked!" i've always been a big butch dyke but when i came out my mom said TAKE A HIKE i was homeless for awhile but all i do now is smile because i have four kids and a beautiful wife! Thanks to all of you awesome readers who submitted these great tweets and poems! (And special congrats to the author of the limerick that begins, "For 32 years it was men that I liked"--you win first place and the cool Gadget Wallet from Uncommon Goods!) Happy Coming Out Day, everyone! National Coming Out Day is coming up on Thursday, and to honor this excellent day of the year, I want coming out stories from you... But not just any coming out stories. I want your coming out story (or the coming out story of someone you know) in one of three formats:
Tweet: As a kid, I couldn't take my eyes off Julie Andrews in "The Sound of Music." My mom knew what was up. I came out at 13 and she didn't blink. Haiku: The dog was nonplussed I came out to him--practice. Parents were less calm. Limerick: You see, I'm a gay boy from China Who then moved to North Carolina When I went to college I soon gained the knowledge That I was repelled by vagina Get the idea? Knock yourselves out. I'll feature the best ones on Butch Wonders Thursday. Anonymous entries are fine. Send as many as you want to me at butchwonders@yahoo.com. Thanks to everyone who responded to the queer college survey I posted a few days ago. Over 60 schools were represented! Most people who responded are in college now or graduated within the last 5-10 years. Today, I'll share the colleges people said were "awesome" for queers:
I was stoked to see the breadth of colleges that provide super atmospheres for queers these days: public, private, and all over the United States! In one of my next posts, I'll share people's experiences on the other end of the spectrum, and I'll also offer some tips for high schoolers on how to find a gay-friendly college. |
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